The Bon Jovi song “You Give Love a Bad Name” was playing on Hair Nation (Sirius XM) while I was running errands, and instead of mindlessly singing along to the tune like I usually do, I remained silent and focused on the lyrics.

The phrase “shot through the heart and you’re to blame” is repeated several times throughout the song and it made me realize that I hear people lament about their exes on a regular basis, so much so that I’ve come to the conclusion that the world is obsessed with their ex-partners. I honestly don’t understand the fascination with a situation that didn’t work out. When a couple splits, it’s typically for good reasons, and it is extremely rare that the failed relationship is exclusively one person’s fault. In fact, I’d go so far to say that one individual is never 100 percent responsible for the relationship not succeeding.

When a relationship is not successful, it is an opportunity to go within and evaluate ourselves, take time alone to do the inner work necessary to heal, and then focus on the type of partner and relationship we do want instead of focusing on what we don’t want. If you’ve read any of my previous blogs, then you know that I’m committed to the premise that our minds are extremely powerful tools that can manifest anything, and that thoughts do become things. Our world reflects back to us in the physical that which we focus on in our minds. If we constantly focus on the negative and what we don’t have in our lives, our physical environment will reiterate these beliefs, mostly in the form of lack (not enough money, no promising love options, declining health, etc.).

For example, let’s say that your ex had commitment issues and was unfaithful. If you constantly think about this betrayal and tell yourself that you want a partner who doesn’t lie and cheat, you are actually focusing on the negative. Instead, you should list the positive qualities you seek in a mate, such as loyalty, vulnerability, strong communication skills, compassion, honesty, etc. This positive mindset will help attract that which you seek. If you remain stuck focusing on the negative, you may actually attract another partner who is deceitful, in which case you’ll continue to repeat this cycle until you learn to break it.

Additionally, if you don’t do the work to heal from the past failed relationship before moving on to someone new, you’ll continue to repeat patterns that will lead to the failure of all future entanglements. You’ll essentially end up dating the same person repeatedly except that he or she will just have a different face and name from your past partners.

Also, if you find that you tend to attract partners who do not treat you well, this has everything to do with you and not your mates. You are the root of the problem. Somewhere in your subconscious you believe that you don’t deserve a good partner, so you subconsciously attract that which you think you deserve…someone who does not share your relationship values. This is a self-esteem issue and we all have self-esteem issues; this is the plight of being human. However, the degree of self-esteem a person possesses exists on a continuum with some people having healthy self-esteem that scores on the higher end of the spectrum while others with low self-worth hover on the lower end of the axis.

Self-esteem is comprised of our sense of personal worth and personal competence, which starts to develop in early childhood. There are entire books written on this subject, so it’s impossible for me to sufficiently cover this topic in a short blog; however, I’m going to focus on one root aspect of self-esteem development that affects each of us and that is communication.

We all communicate verbally through language and non-verbally through body language and physical presence (or absence). Adults who received mixed communication messages as children tend to have more self-esteem issues than those who were raised in homes where the verbal and non-verbal messaging aligned on a consistent basis. For example, if your mother told you that she loved you, yet she never provided physical comfort (hugging, kissing, etc.) when you were hurting, then you received a mixed message that caused confusion and this in turn affected the development of your self-esteem. If your father traveled frequently for work and was absent most of your childhood, then you may have internalized his absence and felt that you weren’t good enough to keep your father’s attention, regardless of how much he called you from the road or the amount of positive attention he paid you when he was at home. This, too, impacted the development of your self-esteem.

I grew up in an abusive home where I was told on a regular basis that I was loved, but then I’d get the tar beaten out of me when my abuser returned home from work in a bad mood. My other parent was fully aware of the situation and did nothing to stop the abuse. Talk about mixed messaging! Consequently, as an adult, I attracted men who were emotionally distant (or even unavailable), had anger issues, suffered from low self-worth themselves, and generally did not treat me well because on a subconscious level this is what I thought I deserved based on the messaging I received in childhood.

So, how do you stop attracting toxic partners and nab a good one?

You have to do the work! There are no shortcuts here. And let me tell you, it takes a lot of strength and courage to really look at oneself and work through past trauma and pain. If you decide to embark on this journey, you’ll need the assistance of a professional, whether that be a mental health practitioner, faith or spiritual leader, metaphysical healer, support group, etc. An objective party providing honest feedback is paramount to your catharsis. Reading books, watching videos, and listening to podcasts about healing helped me, in addition to working with professionals one-on-one and in a group setting. One book that I highly recommend is The Laws of Human Nature, which teaches readers how to master their emotions and spot those emotionally unhealthy individuals who can wreak havoc on our lives.

The great news is that once you take responsibility for your issues and learn to heal them, you’ll vibrate on a higher frequency, which will enable you to easily recognize toxic people. In fact, you’ll become so adept at spotting these people that you’ll wonder why you waited so long to work through your issues in the first place. And as a result of your hard work, you’ll attract grounded, well-adjusted people who will appreciate the person you are and find value in what you have to offer, and thus treat you accordingly.

So, stop obsessing over your ex and how he or she shot you through the heart. Quit focusing on the failures of your past and commit to improving your future. Take responsibility for your role in the failures, learn from them, heal your heart (and self-esteem), and start attracting someone who matches your new (higher) vibration.

I think Bon Jovi should write a new song titled “Your Bad Love Improved Me.” Sounds like a hit with lots of potential to me!